How Should Kids Behave in Big Church?

The following is a transcript of the Family Ministry Podcast episode titled, "How Should Kids Behave in Big Church?"

Hello and welcome to the Family Ministry podcast, where we equip you to disciple your kids God's way. On today's episode, we're exploring the topic of how kids should behave in big church. And of course by big church, I mean in the sanctuary with everyone together. I think this is a big and interesting topic, especially at Cobblestone, because every first Sunday of the month we worship together as one big family with the kids and everybody all together. So before I address the topic of how kids should behave in big church, I think it would be helpful to first address the question of why should kids be in big church?

We've answered this before, but in case you haven't heard it, the reason is because we're a family. We are all one big family. Cobblestone's core value number five is that we will be a church that is focused on discipling families. One of the ways that we disciple families is by giving families opportunities to worship together.

The kids need us. The kids need you. They need to see you worshiping the Lord. They need to see you learning from the Bible. And we need them. The adults need the kids. We need their energy. We need their excitement. We need them to remind us not to take ourselves so seriously.

Church should not be a segregated time. And we don't want kids to think that church is a segregated place, that one end of the church is only for big people and the other end is only for little people. That's kind of why we transitioned from kids' min into family ministry, is because everything that happens at church is for everybody. There's not this part for the kids and that part for the grownups. It's for everybody. Family ministry is for the whole family. And we don't want our kids to get the idea that they're not welcome in big church or that big church isn't for them. Or even worse, the idea that worshiping God isn't for them or that God's presence isn't for them. No, we want them to be welcome.

We need to remember also that the ultimate goal of church is to worship God together as a family. It's to glorify god. And when we all come together, all ages, all different types of people and worship God together, god is glorified because God created a family.

God instituted families. I think the last 200 or so years of institutionalized school in the US has kind of messed with our minds a little bit because we grew up in school, in age segregated classrooms, and our parents grew up that way, and our grandparents grew up that way. I think we tend to think that way. But that's not something God created.

I'm not saying it's wrong, but it's not something God created. That's what man created. God created families. And the institution that God designated to govern the earth is through families. So I think sometimes we approach church with a school mindset, and we treat it as if there are different classrooms.

The kids go to this classroom and the adults go to this classroom because we all have to learn at our own level. But I don't think that's how God designed things. God designed families to live and grow together. When you have a family, you don't have the teenagers eat dinner at this time and the adults eat dinner at that time. Elementary school kids eat dinner at this time, and preschoolers eat dinner at that time.

No, everybody all gets together at one time. We have a meal together. We fellowship together, we learn and grow together. And that is what God instituted. That's how God created human beings to learn and grow.

So I think we need to start thinking in terms of a family and thinking less in terms of school. Now, I'm not saying we should ignore the science of child development, not at all. We can use those things and incorporate them, but it can't take first place. We have to give first place to what the Bible says and what God instituted, and that's a family.

We mentioned this on our last podcast, but if you remember, we talked about the idea that kids were present with the adults in the early church. And we know that from a couple of different passages. The one that I'm going to point out is Ephesians six where Paul writes, children, obey your parents and the Lord for this is right.

That Scripture right there tells us that children were present with the adults in the congregation for the reading of Scripture. Because in chapter five, you have him addressing husbands and wives. He's clearly talking to adults there. And then chapter six comes along, which wasn't there in the original writing. It wasn't a separate chapter. They didn't stop or pause. Right after he's talking to husbands and wives, he starts talking to kids. Why? Because he knew the kids were there. He knew they were there along with the husbands and wives.

They were within the gathering of believers, and he addressed them. So we have that example right there in the early church of kids being present for the reading of the Scripture within the general congregation. So I think that gives us a pretty good idea of why we have kids in big church once a month. There's a second why that we need to address, and that's the why of the communion service. If you've been in the last couple of months to a first Sunday service at Cobblestone, you've noticed a new format for first Sundays, and that is because the elders are trying to put the main focus on first Sundays on to communion.

And obviously, I am not an elder, so I'm not going to attempt to explain doctrine to you here. But I do want to note a couple of things. In the early church, we see in Acts 2:42 that, "They devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread [which is communion] and to prayer." So here we see that they were devoting themselves to those four things, teaching, fellowship, communion and prayer. Now, at Cobblestone, we've done a really good job of devoting ourselves to teaching.

Every Sunday, we have teaching. We have separate classes and Bible studies for teaching. We've done a really good job with that. And we also have some great opportunities for fellowship. I think what the elders are trying to do here, if I understand them correctly, is that they're trying to make sure that we're hitting all four of those on a regular basis, that we're not being lopsided.

We don't want to be a lopsided church and only devote ourselves to the first two things and forget about the second two. So I think they're trying to bring balance and make sure that we're devoting ourselves to all four of those things. So that new First Sunday format is giving us a chance to devote ourselves to the breaking of bread (communion) and to prayer, where the elders and the prayer team are taking specific time to pray for us so that we can pray for each other. We can receive prayer, we can give prayer. So that, I think, kind of covers what they're trying to accomplish.

Now let's talk about why kids should be there. Well, communion is a family thing. Communion by its very name is communal. When you sit down to have a meal together, you like to have the whole family together and sit down and fellowship with one another while you eat. Well, that's what communion is.

When Jesus instituted the first communion, which is commonly referred to as the Last Supper, but it was really the first of what we're doing even still today. He gathered all his disciples together and sat down with all of them and broke bread and drank with them. So communion is a family thing and the whole family should be there. I also want to note--what a beautiful thing for kids to witness and experience. They get to see the whole congregation coming together to commemorate the body and blood of Jesus, the whole congregation coming together to remember the sacrifice that Jesus gave for us on the cross.

They get to see elders praying for individuals and families. They get to see the leadership of the church showering and pouring out God's love onto the church. They get to see families praying together, families praying with one another.

They see adults and older kids spending extended time worshipping the Lord, just saying, "Lord, I'm going to focus my heart to minister to you, to bless you." That is such a beautiful thing for kids to see. And as they see these things, these things become a part of their norm. They become a part of their value system. And then as they grow and mature, it becomes a significant part of their lives and the lives of their future families.

And honestly, this one may make you laugh, but it is good for your kids to see you take your attention off of them for a while and devote it solely to the Lord. Now, just ask me how many times I have worshipped the Lord with a toddler wrapped around my leg pouting because that toddler wanted me to pay attention to them, but I was paying attention to the Lord in that particular moment. Now, of course I paid attention to my toddlers. Of course I played with them and I spent time with them. But Sunday mornings was the time for me to worship the Lord.

And if it wasn't an emergency and there wasn't anything pressing that was wrong, I was going to devote my attention to the Lord during that time. And for them to see that is actually very healthy. It's healthy for all of us. Don't we all need to be reminded that we are not the center of the universe? That is healthy and good. Believe me, if you do that, it will be good for your kids.

Okay, so I think we've covered the why pretty well. Now let's dive into expectations for kids' behavior in big church. Now, I think that this is essential that we look at, examine, and perhaps craft and develop proper expectations for kids' behavior in big church. Big church should not be stressful.

It should not be stressful to have your kids in church with you. If it is stressful, I suspect that is because you have wrong expectations for how your kids should behave. It could also be because your kids are in that phase where they're fighting for your attention and you're trying to teach them that God has your attention during this time. But that's temporary. If it's always stressful, it's probably because you have some misguided expectations for how they should behave.

There is no expectation for kids or anyone else to sit perfectly still and be silent for the duration of the service. That expectation is just not there. And I would like to address it from a leadership perspective and tell you that the leadership of the church, the elders and the staff do not have the expectation that you or your kids sit perfectly still and be silent for the duration of the communion service or any other service for that matter.

You can sing. You can pray aloud. You can pray with other people. You can move around if you want to, raise your hands, bow down, walk around the room and pray. Go pray with another family. Go ask someone else to pray for you. That is all perfectly acceptable. And the same is true for kids.

We do not expect them to sit still and be silent. And here's why. God created oceans to roar. He created stars to shine, he created flowers to bloom, and he created kids to act like kids. Now, God could have made babies come out acting like adults if he wanted to. He's God. He can do anything, but he didn't.

He established certain stages and phases for every person to develop and grow through throughout their life. And so God created the stages of childhood. He created kids to act like kids. So, if the oceans glorify God when they roar, if the stars glorify God when they shine, if the flowers glorify God when they bloom, your child glorifies God when he or she acts like a child.

God is pleased to see children acting like children because that's what he created them to do. We can teach our kids to be quiet or respectful without expecting silence from them. And we can expect them to be respectful without being absolutely still. And there's plenty of grace to grow in these skills. The church leadership at Cobblestone does not expect kids to act like adults, not even for a minute.

We expect kids to act like kids. I sat down. I had a conversation with Andrew about this, and here's what he told me. He said, "I don't care if all the kids sit in the back in a group and play cards." There is no expectation for your kids to sit still and silent.

We do not expect them to act like adults. That's Andrew, one of the elders, and one of the pastors here. I am coming to you as the director of Family Ministry. Now, I don't usually like titles, but I'm pulling my title on this one and telling you the director of Family Ministry at Cobblestone Community Church is telling you that it's okay for your kids to act like kids in the service.

Yes, we're going to have a conversation with them before church and say that we expect them to be respectful, but we don't expect them to be perfect or to act like adults. So what does this look like? What does it look like to be respectful without being still and quiet?

Well, it could look like sitting in the seat or on the floor covering with the provided coloring pages that we always have for you. It could look like kids whispering. It could look like kids playing with cars or plastic dinosaurs on the floor, whispering quiet roars or quiet vroom sounds, playing together quietly, not silently. Those are two different things.

So practical ideas are to, one, encourage them to sing and pray, because we do want them to do that, and we want them to know that they are welcome in God's presence, that they can praise God and they can pray just like any adult, that they are welcome and that God sees and hears them and receives their praise. But that's not going to last the whole time because kids are kids and they have short attention spans.

So you can use the provided coloring pages and crayons. We'll always have that available for you. But not all kids like to color. Some kids want to color for a few minutes and then they're done. I encourage you to bring quiet toys from home.

Now, I will say this. We do expect the toys to be silent. We don't expect people to be silent, but we expect toys to be silent. Please do not bring your flashing lights, loud noises toys. Let's choose something that doesn't make any noise and bring that to church.

Puzzles, books if your child likes to read or look at pictures. And you know, a very practical thing to do is just sit with another family and so your kids can quietly play together and interact with each other while the service is going on. And then what happens if your child is playing with dinosaurs and they're starting out with quiet, whispered roars? But what happens if they get excited and they let out a loud roar? Nothing happens, except you say, "Honey, remember, we're going to be quiet." That's it.

It's okay if they make mistakes. There's grace for them to grow in this. It is totally okay if your child comes back from the bathroom and runs down the hall stomping like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Do we want them to do that every time? No. If they make a mistake and do it now and then? Okay, it's fine.

Just remind them that they should walk. We are going to remind them that they need to use their library voice in church instead of their playground voice. If the playground voice starts to come out, we're just going to remind them, "Remember, library voices in big church." If they're running around, we're going to say, "Remember, we walk in big church." And that's it.

That's all it is. It's them learning how to be respectful, and there shouldn't be any stress about it. We expect kids to make mistakes. We expect them to be active. Okay, so let's move on to another why.

When I tell you your kids can sit in the sanctuary and play and interact with their friends, you might be thinking, well, what's the point of them even being in there if they're just going to play or color or draw or read a book? Why shouldn't they be back in the west wing where they could actually be learning something? Well, let me tell you, kids were designed to play, and they were designed to learn through play. And they can learn a lot of things even while they're playing. Especially while they're playing.

And the reason why they're not back in the west wing is because we can't teach them what they can learn in big church. I cannot teach them back in the west Wing what they are going to learn once a month in big church with everybody, because you become their teachers. The young adults become their teachers. The youth become their teachers. The senior citizens become their teachers.

The whole congregation becomes their teachers on that Sunday because they're learning that when people gather to worship that God is in their midst. Your kids have the opportunity to sit in the presence of God among all the believers on that Sunday morning. They're learning that they're welcome in God's family and in his presence. They're learning what's most important--that setting aside a Sunday to worship God is important, and people of all ages and stages do it, and that they should do that for the rest of their lives, and that they should teach their kids to do it. They get to witness the body acting like the body. They see people fellowshipping with the Lord. They see people praying for one another.

There are people confessing sin and being forgiven. They're seeing love poured out to God and love poured out onto people. They're learning to wait on the Lord. How hard is it to wait on the Lord? We pray for something and then we have to wait for God to answer, sometimes for years and years and it is so difficult.

Well, your kids are learning that on those Sunday mornings. They're learning how to wait on the Lord, how to take time and be patient and trust Him and wait on Him. There are so many more things I could go on and on, but you don't want to listen to this podcast for the rest of the week. So I'm going to stop with that and then talk about the next logical step.

What do we do when the kids run out of steam? Because your kids...We expect them to act like kids, but we want them to be respectful and that can only go on for so long before your kids are ready for a change. They need to use their bodies more. They're hungry because it's getting close to lunchtime. They're cranky because they've been being quiet for a while. When your family has been sufficiently ministered to and you feel that your family has accomplished what they need to accomplish in ministering to the Lord for that Sunday morning, you are free to go.

There is no end time. You do not have to sit around and wait for the end because there really won't be an end. The elders will stop praying and the worship team will stop leading worship when the people are gone. So there's not going to be, "Okay, we're finished, you're dismissed." And no one's going to think anything of you if you leave earlier than other people.

You get to determine when your family is finished with the communion service, and you are free to go whenever you decide that is...however long you decide that should last.

I guess overall, what we're seeing in all of these topics is that there's freedom. There's freedom for kids to be kids. There's freedom to learn and grow in the Lord, and there's freedom to decide how long is long enough. You are totally free.

There is grace and love showered upon you and your kids. That's what we want. We do not want you to be stressed. We want you to feel free.

Now, if you have any questions or you do feel stressed about big church and you'd like to talk to me about it, feel free to email me at familyministry@cobblestonechurch.com.

Thanks so much for listening. I hope to see you on Sunday. Thanks for tuning in and we'll catch you next next time. Bye.