Prioritizing Marriage

[00:00:00.170] - Maranda 

Hello, and welcome to the Family Ministry Podcast, where we equip you to disciple your kids God's way. I'm Maranda Gomes, and today I have the special privilege of having my husband Ed here with me. 

[00:00:12.880] - Ed 

Hi, everybody. 

[00:00:13.990] - Maranda 

Because today we're going to talk about prioritizing marriage. 

[00:00:18.270] - Ed 

That's right. 

[00:00:19.110] - Maranda 

You know, it's February, we've got Valentine's Day coming up, and I just thought that today would be a good time to talk about things we can do to strengthen our marriages. Because healthy marriages tend to produce healthy disciples of our kids. 

[00:00:36.620] - Ed 

That's correct, because healthy marriage is the place where God intended to bring about healthy children. We see in Scripture, when the apostles are talking to couples and families, they always address the husband and wife first, and then they address the parent and kid relationship. For example, if you look at Ephesians 5, starting with verse22 all the way through chapter 6, verse 4, also Colossians 3:18-21, when Paul is talking to families, he always addresses husbands and wives first, and then he moves on and talks about the parent and kid relationship. 

[00:01:19.850] - Maranda 

That's right. And so what we kind of see from those passages and others is that healthy marriages are the soil in which God intended healthy children to grow. But if you're a single parent, I don't want you to fret. We are not saying that you cannot disciple your kids if you are not married. That is just not the case. and we are going to address single parents specifically toward the end. 

[00:01:46.840] - Ed 

That's correct. 

[00:01:47.540] - Maranda 

So for now, just hang in there. But what we wanted to do with this podcast is really just get the conversation going about what you can do here and now to strengthen your marriage. We've been married for 14 years now, and as the years go on, sometimes we're not as intentional about strengthening our marriages as we once were. And we can start to let things slip. 

[00:02:15.520] - Ed 

Right. 

[00:02:16.650] - Maranda 

I just wanted to talk about things that you can do today to bring life and vitality into your marriage. [00:02:25.430] - Ed Awesome. Let's do it. 

[00:02:26.940] - Maranda 

So let's talk first about some potential pitfalls, some common mistakes. And I can think of one right off the bat that is typically one that the wives make, and that is putting the kids first. I think we see this as noble. We see it as servanthood because our husbands can fend for themselves, but the kids can't. And so we see it as a way to serve the kids in humility. But I don't think that's the way God sees it. 

[00:03:04.280] - Ed 

Right. Because the Bible says that you're one flesh with your spouse, not with your kids. And your kids are going to grow up and they are going to move away, but your spouse is till death do you apart. 

[00:03:18.030] - Maranda 

Right. And we're not saying that you should neglect your kids or not pay attention to them. What we're saying is just in your list of priorities, you've got God, husband, kids, right? Everything in the right order. 

[00:03:35.430] - Ed 

That's correct. And I think one practical thing too is that this helps your kids figure out that they're not the center of the universe. That's one thing that we all need to learn. And when you prioritize your marriage, you just show your kids that Mom or Dad are important too and it's not all about them. 

[00:03:55.640] - Maranda 

Right, which is something every single human being needs to learn. 

[00:03:59.900] - Ed 

That is correct. 

[00:04:00.640] - Maranda 

The sooner the better, right? 

[00:04:02.240] - Ed 

The sooner the better. A couple of pitfalls for guys that are in my mind that I'd like to talk about, one is decision making. So how do you make decisions with your wife? Especially when you disagree or you see differently about things. So there are two approaches that I guess I've noticed just in myself and different guys over the years. These aren't the only two, but one is being authoritative. Like, "I am the man of the house. I am the head of the family. I'm the leader. This is my kingdom," however you want to call it. And, "I have the final word. I have the final say. Whatever I say goes." It's a spectrum of how seriously some guys take that approach. 

[00:04:47.090] - Ed 

And the other approach sometimes is the guy who just abdicates a lot or everything to his wife because he just doesn't want to deal with her. Or he doesn't want to deal with nagging. Or he doesn't want to deal with whatever. And, honestly, I don't think that either one of those is totally biblical because... Well, I'll just say this. Maranda and I are just constantly having to make decisions about different things, especially in our situation. 

[00:05:15.830] - Ed 

Since we are an adoptive family, and we adopted two kids with significant history of trauma, we've just had to constantly deal with different situations. And one thing that I enjoy about our marriage at this point is how we've learned to make decisions together. Basically what we do is we just talk about what we need to do, and if we don't see eye to eye, just automatically one of us will say, "OK, let's just take some time and think about this and pray about this and see what the Lord says." And it doesn't fail. The Lord doesn't fail to guide us and doesn't fail to speak. And sometimes Maranda will be right, and sometimes I'll be right. Sometimes we'll both be right with portions of it. And, really, the goal, even when the Bible talks about submission, the goal is not to figure out who's the boss or who's going to get to have the final word because, really, the Lord is the boss. I want Jesus to be king of my family. I don't want to be king of my family. I'm not that awesome. He is. 

[00:06:23.400] - Maranda 

Well, I do just want to chime in here and say that there have been times where we have taken some time to pray about it, and we've sat on it, and I still feel unsure or I just don't feel settled. But I've had to make the decision just to submit to your leadership and trust that if the Lord isn't giving me the answer, that he's giving it to you, and he's given you to me as my leader. I can trust Him by trusting you. And that has always worked out. And I just want to say that it is not hard to submit to a man who loves you like Jesus does, right? 

[00:07:06.600] - Ed 

And ultimately, the goal there, even when you submit to me, you're really submitting to Jesus. 

[00:07:11.910] - Maranda 

Right.

 [00:07:12.240] - Ed 

And that's why we both want to do. We both want to be submitted to Jesus. And I guess another pitfall for guys, too, is sometimes we work too much. Our desire to provide for our family or provide experiences, and vacations, and gifts or whatnot, we are well intentioned, but sometimes we end up working too much, and not spending enough time with our wives and with our kids. And this is not what we mean, of course, but a lot of times what that communicates to our wives is that our career or even the money that we make is more important to us than she is. 

[00:07:50.390] - Ed 

And it goes a long way to give up some money in order to be with her, that actually she will feel more provided for. Because what she needs is not just finances. She also needs you, and emotional support, and just being with you. And that is a way that we provide for our wives. Being with her is providing for her and for the kids. And sometimes, too, when we let our wives take too much of the burden of the kids while we're at work, she can just become resentful because she may feel like we're just not there to support her and to raise our own kids. They're not just her kids. 

[00:08:33.040] - Maranda 

Right. She starts to feel resentful of the time that he spends at work away from the kids, and she starts to feel overly burdened by the kids, and she even starts to feel trapped. 

[00:08:46.250] - Ed 

Right. And we can resolve that. That may be a situation in your marriage, and just sitting down, and being like, "Hey, is this a problem? How could we fix it?" Just have that conversation and you may find a solution more easily than you'd expect. 

[00:09:01.890] - Maranda 

I think that God provides creative solutions when we seek to honor our spouses. 

[00:09:08.550] - Ed 

That's correct. 

[00:09:09.790] - Maranda 

Okay, so we've talked about some common mistakes. Now I just want to talk about simple things you can do today and every day to breathe life into your marriage. Simple, easy things you can do to strengthen your relationship with your spouse. Because we all know the importance of having date nights and getting out together, but you do not have to, and you should not wait until you have a babysitter to sew into your marriage. There are very simple things you can do on a daily basis. 

[00:09:45.450] - Maranda 

One that I wanted to start out with was just saying thank you. I think when we've lived life with a person for 14, 15, 20, or 30 years, we kind of tend to forget those little niceties sometimes. And so I would ask wives, when is the last time that you said thank you to your husband for going to work every day and providing for your family? He does that as a labor of love, and I know you notice it, and I know you're thankful for it, but we need to say it. 

[00:10:23.590] - Ed 

And husbands, when was the last time you thanked your wife for manning the fort, or getting the kids to school, or buying groceries, or cooking, or cleaning, or doing you laundry, or all of those things? Just telling her, "Hey, I'm noticing this," is important because she can't read our minds. 

[00:10:47.010] - Maranda 

Right. I think we all notice these things that our spouse does, and we're grateful for them, but they don't know we notice it, and they don't know we're grateful for it unless we say it. So it's important to just say it. It takes half of a second, right? 

[00:11:02.900] - Ed 

It's easy. It's an easy way to build your marriage up. Another way, too, is being intentional about time together. Again, Maranda mentioned the date night, and, you know, that's important, but that's not the only way you guys can spend time together. One thing that we do here in our home is we get home, and I say hi to everybody, and then whenever Maranda is cooking dinner, because I don't like to cook, and I'm always very grateful that she cooks. So I go in the kitchen and I talk to her about her day, and I tell her how work was. And that's really something very simple. And it also models to our kids healthy relationships and healthy conversations. And if one of the kids is bugging me too much, I'll tell them, "Hey, I'm talking to your mom right now. You need to let me be." And it just works. 

[00:11:53.110] - Maranda 

Yeah. I remember when we were engaged, and in premarital counseling, the couple that was counseling us, the wife, told me that when her kids were little, when it was time for her husband to get home from work, she would always have some kind of quiet activity at the table, whether it was coloring, or some little craft for them to work on, while she fixed him a glass of tea. This was the south, y'all. So she would fix him a glass of sweet tea, and they'd sit down, and they'd talk about their day for a few minutes. Nothing belabored. The kids aren't going to last that long coloring. But it was a way for her to show him that she was prioritizing him, and it showed the kids that she was prioritizing him, and they just had that time together every day. 

[00:12:47.980] - Ed 

Right. Another way too is like holding hands and hugging. When you're in the car, you can hold hands. When you're at church, you can hold hands. If you guys end up going to the grocery store or a football game together, you can hold hands or hug. Just simple, affectionate touch is meaningful and it builds up your marriage. 

[00:13:11.530] - Maranda 

Yeah, it's something that's so simple to do. But sometimes I think in the busyness of managing our lives, we forget those simple things, but they make a big difference. 

[00:13:22.690] - Maranda 

And another thing that obviously we're going to talk about on this podcast is praying with your spouse. 

[00:13:29.820] - Ed 

Right? So praying with your spouse doesn't really have to be long, or drawn out, or a long list, or something that you do every day at 05:00 a.m. Or something like that. Honestly, we pray for a couple of minutes, maybe, most evenings together before we go to bed and we just pray whatever is on our hearts. And it's pretty simple. We don't belabor it. 

[00:13:54.260] - Maranda 

It doesn't take very long. 

[00:13:55.900] - Ed 

It doesn't take very long. Half the time it doesn't feel like super awesome or anything. 

[00:14:01.210] - Maranda It does not feel inspired. Most of the time it feels dry. But it doesn't have to feel inspired to be powerful. And I will say that you don't have to put it on a schedule, though schedules are helpful. I don't work really well on a schedule. You do. You have things you do every Monday, and something else you do every Tuesday, and another thing every Wednesday. 

[00:14:25.980] - Ed 

That's correct. 

[00:14:26.610] - Maranda 

I don't roll that way. But we just make sure that we get to it regularly. And I would say, more often than not, we say some simple prayer before we go to sleep, and we just make sure that we're getting to it regularly. 

[00:14:42.450] - Ed 

And it counts. 

[00:14:43.390] - Maranda 

It counts, and it strengthens your marriage because you're seeking God together, and that will really build up your marriage. 

[00:14:51.720] - Maranda 

I think this is probably a good time to address single parents, or maybe parents who have an unbelieving spouse, or even a spouse who may be a believer but doesn't share the same commitment to faith that you do. And we definitely would not want you to think that you cannot disciple your kids because your marriage isn't where you would like it to be, or because you're not married. That is not true at all. 

[00:15:26.840] - Ed 

Right. So the passage we'd like to read to you guys who are in those situations that Maranda described would be Philippians 4 starting at 11b through 13. "I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound in any and every circumstance. I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." 

[00:15:57.030] - Ed 

So a couple of things to notice in that passage is that Paul is talking about being content in a situation that you are in need, that you are lacking something. 

[00:16:07.650] - Maranda 

And single parenthood is being in need. You're missing half of the parenting equation. 

[00:16:12.220] - Ed 

Yeah. You're in need in so many ways. You're in need emotionally, just practically with time. You're probably in need financially. There are just so many needs. But Paul said that he learned how to be content in those situations. And again, this is not something that's automatic. So don't feel guilty. No human is automatically content while in need. You have to learn how to do that. But the secret is that we can do all things. All needy situations, we can get through them with Jesus because he gives us strength. And Christ will meet your needs, be them emotional, be them practical, time, financial, whatever it is. 

[00:17:02.060] - Maranda 

That's right. And we see throughout the Old Testament and the New Testament, God meeting the needs of widows. He meets them supernaturally several times in the Old Testament. And in the New Testament we see the church organizing to meet the needs of widows. I mean, the apostles actually appointed deacons to take care of widows. That was their leadership role. And I do classify single parents as being widows. It's the same situation. They are on their own, and they need help. And so I think this is a good time to not only encourage single parents that you can do this, and God will see you through, but also to call to the rest of us to live out James 1:27 where the Bible says that pure religion in the sight of God is ministering to the needs of widows and orphans. And I think that includes single parents and their children. When we hear "widow" nowadays, we think of little old ladies, but in Bible times many of the widows were young, even in their twenties, and they had young children because people died sooner back then. So that is really a call for us to step up and be there for single parents and their kids, and to help disciple those kids. 

[00:18:33.900] - Ed 

Right. 

[00:18:35.270] - Maranda 

So now I'd like to move into the fun part of the podcast. 

[00:18:40.580] - Ed 

It's a pretty cool story. 

[00:18:44.410] - Maranda 

If you listened last month, you heard our first ever testimony portion of the podcast, and I'm bringing it back today. I'm really excited to tell you this story. I would like to share a testimony on each podcast from one of our kids. So if you have one or your kid has one, please let me know. 

[00:19:07.360] - Maranda 

But today's testimony comes from Isabella and her family. This happened on a communion Sunday. As you know, we have kids in big church on communion Sunday. On the first Sunday of every , kids are in big church, kids over the age of four. And we do that because there's so much for kids to learn from the adults in big church, and there's so much that the adults can learn from the kids in big church. And it's an opportunity for God's family to be together in unity as one body.

 [00:19:48.720] - Maranda 

So this happened on a communion Sunday, when we were all together in big church. And Isabella's dad gathered his family to take communion, and he explained to his kids that we need to confess our sins before sharing in Christ's body and blood because he died to save us from our sins, and that it's important that we have confessed our sins before Him, before receiving His body and blood. 

[00:20:16.950] - Maranda 

And Bella, who is four, told mom and dad, she said, "Then I need to talk to Memaw." And so Bella's dad did what any good dad would do and called Memaw. Bella got on the phone, and she repented to Memaw, and said, "I'm sorry for giving you a hard time last night." 

[00:20:44.670] - Maranda 

Guys. We can't teach this to our kids in a classroom. 

[00:20:47.880] - Ed 

No, you cannot. 

[00:20:49.110] - Maranda 

Bella was in an environment of repentance and forgiveness, and she felt convicted of a real sin at four years old. 

[00:20:59.280] - Ed 

That's right. 

[00:21:00.070] - Maranda 

She felt the Holy Spirit convict her of sin, and she felt the freedom to confess the sin and be free from it. 

[00:21:09.820] - Ed 

And to do it with her family, which is not something that most of us experienced as kids, that in our families, we confessed our sins to each other. I don't remember doing that. 

[00:21:22.040] - Maranda 

No, we didn't do that as kids either. That was all private stuff. But she felt secure enough within her family to confess that sin and be forgiven by Memaw and by Jesus. 

[00:21:38.050] - Ed 

And by her family. 

[00:21:39.940] - Maranda 

And be cleansed of that sin. And then she was ready to receive communion. I just think this is such a cool story, and I'm thankful to Bella's parents for allowing me to share it, because that is exactly why we're all together in there on first Sundays. God moves on his body when we're in unity like that, right? 

[00:22:04.370] - Ed 

We don't need to think that everything needs to be tailor made for our kids for them to understand God. God is powerful enough to speak to them. And he does. 

[00:22:13.960] - Maranda 

Yeah, obviously. Clearly this time. And we're so grateful. So thank you for listening. 

[00:22:21.540] - Ed 

Happy Valentine's Day. 

[00:22:23.320] - Maranda Thank you for listening. Until next time. We'll catch you on the next podcast. Bye.